If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

I’ve been single for so many years I believe I will soon become an album.

If you have been struck by a headache, follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bank payments.

If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?

I’m breathing. That’s about it for today’s productivity.

I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.

I’m aware that the voices in my head aren’t real. But their ideas are just awesome sometimes!

I’m not lazy. I’m just naturally a very relaxed person.

If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but so far nobody has seen me and Batman together in the same room.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

If love is blind, then marriage is its spectacles.

I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.