War never decides who is right. War only decides who is left.

When you’re calling a woman, you need to call her twice. First time to give her a chance to find the phone in her handbag, the second time for her to ...

You can only be young once. But you can enjoy being infantile forever.

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Whenever four New Yorkers get into a cab together with no arguing, a bank has just been robbed.

Of course you’re not fat. Just grab a couple of chairs and come sit with us.

The only scenario where you really need a land line today is when you’re trying to find your smartphone.

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother.

Whoever said nothing is impossible clearly never tried slamming a revolving door.

WARNING: Alcohol consumption may cause you to think that you are whispering when you are quite definitely not.

You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.

Sorry, I can’t hang out. My auntie’s cousin’s brother in law’s best friend’s accountant’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Some other time maybe.

There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.

The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.

Of all the dogs, a hot dog is the most noble; it feeds the hand that bites it.