Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.

Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.

The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second cash desk.

No, I don’t read. The letters get really repetitive after a while.

Thank you, I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow creates a new hairdo for me every morning.

The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.

Promises are like babies… They’re fun to make but hard to deliver.

Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.

Quantity is what you count, quality is what you count on.

Some people’s X-rays actually look much better than their photographs.

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.

They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?

The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

No thanks, I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

Organized people are simply too lazy to search for stuff.