Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re a great big idiot.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.

Married women face a significantly lower risk of kidnapping, nobody can be certain that the ransom would actually be paid.

My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!

If the grass is greener on the other side, fair bet is, the water bill is higher too.

If you’re having a bad day, remember some adults wear braces.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Just you keep on talking, for sure someday you’ll say something intelligent.

If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?

If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

If I’m driving you crazy, please remember to put your seatbelt on.

If you want someone who will listen to you every time, do everything you tell them to do, and always be there for you for better or for worse, get a d...