I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.

Hearing voices in your head is normal. Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them - acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that ...

With a face like yours, you have a good chance in a lawsuit against your parents.

A lot of people are only alive today because the law makes it impossible to shoot them.

Hard work pays off in the future. Lolling on the couch pays off right now.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.

I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.

I’m not bossy, I simply know exactly what you should be doing.

He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.

Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones in the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.

Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.