Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.

If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath.

Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.

War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’.

It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.

You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.

‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.